Original post: 10/01/2017
I am constantly riding a roller coaster that I can’t get off of. This one happens to be of the emotional variety. Just like on a literal roller coaster, when you’re on a high, you feel like you’re on top of the world. Ready to take on the day and conquer the world. You feel like you can do anything and that you will. You have energy and think about how productive and successful you’re going to be. Those are great, I love those. Problem is, those don’t come very often and they don’t last very long.
The lows are what kill you. And of course, those are the ones that come most often and last the longest. You feel like you are the worst human being in the world; a waste of space. You have zero energy, zero motivation to do anything at all. Just being awake takes all your energy; so getting up, going to work, and just being present in the world are all excruciating tasks. You think of all the things that are wrong with your life and all the things that are making you unhappy and how you’ll never fix any of it and it’s so overwhelming you just cry. You cry because you’re too tired to do anything else and because you don’t know what else to do. You feel so helpless and hopeless; its a kind of despair you didn’t think was possible and you feel it like a gaping black hole in your chest. You are so tired of the pain you just want it to end. I just want to get off the roller coaster.
It is a scary thing to share your private feelings and struggles. We fear the response and judgement from those who do not understand. As I have said before, I am sharing this in hopes that it will help someone else. One thing that sometimes helps me is to do something that I enjoy. It may sound stupid and incredibly simple but it works. It makes me feel like myself again.
I wrote this months ago; i sort of abandoned writing for awhile and now am re-reading my posts as i have come back. I have edited this post, taken out some things and obviously added this paragraph. It seems this topic has taken the spotlight with recent events. I think that is both good and bad and im not going to elaborate on that any further as i dont feel like adding my personal opinions to that pot is necessary.
I would like to point out that sometimes (note: sometimes) that “down in the dumps” feeling is due to something like a vitamin or chemical deficiency and fixable with simple things like diet and exercise. Obviously what everyone is talking about now is something bigger than just a vitamin deficiency and is probably going to need more than just diet and exercise. But that is certainly a good place to start.
I am part of the generation that made ADD a thing and it shows. My thoughts are random and I am constantly squirreling, but that's what keeps things interesting, right?