Original post: 06/15/2018
When they (whoever “they” is) say old habits die hard, they weren’t kidding. Of the hundreds and hundreds (probably thousands) of thoughts swirling (more like tornado-ing) through my brain every day, there are some that are always there. One of those things is health and fitness. I have always been naturally very thin. The person who can eat a whole pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday and still be a size 0; yea that was me. Go on, hate away.
But, at the tail end of my twenties i started gaining weight. I have probably gained a total of 10 pounds, which i realize is not much and does not in any way make me fat- it actually puts me in the “normal” range for my height. None of that matters though, because we all have our own personal standards of what looks good and i definitely do not meet mine. So how do i get there? Enter diet and exercise: some of my least favorite words in the english language.
I love junk food. Like really, genuinely love it. The thought of having to limit the amount of junk food i can have makes me sad. And while i like an occasional salad, the thought of having to eat salad, also makes me sad. Changing my diet, no matter how good i know it will be for me, is super depressing. I am an emotional eater. So, even when i get into a super motivated, i can do this mood, it usually lasts about a week (and even that week is a struggle) before i go back to my bad eating habits. I have definitely gotten better at it than i used to be, but im still not there and it seems like no matter how bad i want the end results, i just cant make myself do it. So i just keep doing this back and forth and thinking about how if i had started when i first said i was, id be there by now. Super frustrating.
Im in the same boat with exercise. I dont like it. At all. In high school i was active in sports and i really enjoyed running, it helped me clear my head. I dont know when that changed, but it did. I can say consistent with exercising (usually around 3 days/week) for a few weeks at a time before i fall off the wagon. And those few weeks are a mental battle with myself, trying to ignore my thoughts and just forcing myself to do it anyway. Once i did a 30 day challenge and i made it through the whole thing without missing a day and i was really impressed with myself, but also frustrated because why cant i just do that all the time? I always see people in fitness groups talking about how much they love working out or how they feel so much better after working out. I am really jealous of those people because i hate working out and ive never once afterwards thought, “wow im really glad i did that, i feel so much better”. Sometimes after not working out for awhile, i will get a little boost in energy when i start back up but it usually only lasts a few days and then its back to the struggle. More back and forth.
Will i ever make the lifestyle changes i need? Maybe. Hopefully. Im not giving up yet so theres still a chance. Maybe some of the people from the fitness groups can lend me some of their endorphins, because judging by all of their positive, glass half full attitudes, they have a ton and i clearly do not have enough of my own. Its like if Reese Witherspoon’s character in Legally Blonde and Sunshine Bear had a baby, it would be these people. Like holy optimism, batman. Im not making fun of them, it just amazes me the level of positivity and optimism they bring. It is good, it helps people. Im not sure yet if it helps me. So where do i end? Well, im still working on it, so i guess i dont. I guess right there.
I am part of the generation that made ADD a thing and it shows. My thoughts are random and I am constantly squirreling, but that's what keeps things interesting, right?